Popular Post K K Kelbie Posted September 19, 2019 Author Popular Post Share Posted September 19, 2019 (edited) The KKK Bin Pub Review #20 This time it's a trip to what claims to be Greenock's oldest pub. But is it Greenock's oldest bin pub? Good The Black Cat ticks all the boxes for a standard pin pub. Live sports on TV, no food menu and the big boy measures start at £1.70, making this one of the cheapest pubs in the area. Period features include a proper horseshoe bar in the centre of the pub and an air conditioner that hasnt been used since Celtic won the cup in 1988. Bad There's no escaping the elephant in the room here - the clientele alone merits a major mark down in this reviewer's book. Apparently the owners have recently tried to row back from the Black Cat's reputation as a den for Irish republican sympathising and have even banned the party songs once the other karaoke gets going. But the place is still the largest Celtic bin in the town by number of clientele. There's also not even a proper wine list or other top bin features that could possibly make up for this failing. Verdict 1K/3 The Black Cat is without question a bin pub but is also a hive of villainy that the KKK Review cant possibly recommend to its readers. Even if you ignored the plastic paddy shite it is still just a middling bin pub when finer options are available a short stagger away. As a holding bin for mhutants though, it keeps other bin pubs of Greater Greenock clear for the rest of us. Edited September 19, 2019 by K K Kelbie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post K K Kelbie Posted October 29, 2019 Author Popular Post Share Posted October 29, 2019 (edited) The KKK Bin Pub Review #21 Its been brought to my attention that the failing Greenock Telegraph has stolen the premise of the KKK Bin Pub Review in order to keep the weirdo letter writers from taking up half of the rag: https://www.greenocktelegraph.co.uk/news/17956223.secret-diner-nicolsons-greenock-ticks-boxes/?ref=fbshr&fbclid=IwAR2uTMORmHy0iz-mOs5AlTXAcxx32O2LbTLzmI_kfO-DtOuDCeeGwSG3gPE Your legal team can send the royalties cheques to the following address: K and K Kelbie 3 Big Mags' Way The Raploch FK8 1SX But why believe the craven, arse licking verdict of The Secret Diner - just some work experience skivvy hiding behind an alias - when you can get the hard hitting truth here instead? Let's start with the bad, shall we? Bad Prior to several piss poor attempts to tart the place up, the Argyll and Sutherland used to be a run of the mill bin pub, home to one of the best sun trap beer gardens in the area. Its now described by the failed journalist at the Tele as a trendy family-run pub-diner and an upmarket but cosy gastro-pub None of these words belong anywhere near a self respecting establishment. This is Greenock, not some fucking hamlet in the Cotswolds. Then we have the misfortune to step inside. The absolute state of this. Gone are televisions in the bar so you can keep track of live football, your coupon or the nag that some jakey old timer put the last of his pension on. In comes a stupid fucking coffee machine that rattles and wails like a Victorian steam train. The horseshoe bar of the old pub has been ripped out to add more tables and seats: in fact its all table and seats and you cant actually just stand around with a pint like in an actual pub. And to get a drink, you either need to be seated and wait forever for some staff member to 'take your order', or head through to the stupid, open plan function type area at the back where there's of course a gaggle of shrieking year old women celebrating Senga's big 6-0 birthday. Food is not only served but encouraged. Good There is nothing good about this place on the Bin Pub criteria. The pricing is passable for the town centre and while spirits are hand poured, we aren't talking about Cardwell measures. The beer garden remains but is unfortunately still attached to this useless wannabe bistro. Sneak in round the back with a bottle of K cider instead. Verdict -3Ks/3 This is the worst crime that the KKK Review can think of - a perfectly viable bin pub being murdered by yet another man with a plan to gentrify the fuck out of them. So don't listen to what mummy from the Greenock Telegraph says, just do what yer da' K K Kelbie tells you to do and body swerve this useless establishment. Edited October 29, 2019 by K K Kelbie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 (edited) Meanwhile there's a dramatic change at the top of the bin pub leaderboard, as The Carnock has yet again shut and so must be punished with a deduction of 2Ks. A bin pub that cant be relied on to be open at opening time is not deserving of a place at the top of the leaderboard. Get it sorted and opened again and we'll be around for the re-re-review of Greenock's pop-up bin pub. News also reaches The Raploch that the dirty wee Port is going to have a new super happy fun pub in the near future, so at this rate the Bin Pub Review will be a neverending mission. The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 The Willow 2.5/3 The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 (visitors' lounge) -3/3 (bhar) Donnachies 2/3 The Carnock 2/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 - punished for serving lentils to fussy bellends The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The Horseshoe 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Darroch 0/3 - punished £10k for failure Nicholsons Bar -3/3 -------------------------------- The Thistle (disqualified for morphing into a plastic paddy pub) The Burns Lounge (disqualified for being ****ing useless) Edited October 29, 2019 by K K Kelbie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EanieMeany Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 A very fair assessment of Nicolson's. Also, I'm told them Star Hotel has been the unfortunate victim of a minor refurb. Troubled times for the pub scene when even the Star can't be relied upon to be a hovel. 1 AWMSC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BishopBrennan Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Word has reached His Grace that Buckfast is now available in The Norseman. Can KKKelbie verify this speculation? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted November 7, 2019 Author Share Posted November 7, 2019 (edited) The KKK Bin Pub Review #22 There's been quite a lot of gurning about this pub as being the best bin pub in the fine bin pub hub known as Greenock, so it is high time that it got the KKK treatment. Good Estate agents claim that the value of their property is all about location, location, location and The Westburn vouches for that in the bin pub market as well. Specifically, this bin pub serves as a creche for men while their women folk traipse around Iceland or the handful of shops still left in the Oak Mall getting the messages in. £6 an hour is a decent rate for adult care with their dietary needs taken care of as well, so this bin provides a valuable public service. Big boy measures are suitably provided at cheap rates (£1.70 for Black Bottle) with the old tramp favourite Tartan Special on tap. Burberry check wallpaper and a 'smoking area' that just opens into the tiny arse end of the old close completes the truly sophisticated look of this bin. Bad It seems that even The Westburn has now got ideas well above its station. In addition to the jakey juice it also serves Heverlee and Drygate beers on tap - which should be found in a Bearsden bistro-pub instead. There's also a wine list without any tonic choices as well as a fully stacked gin bar section. None of this is becoming of a bin pub. There's also no live sports covered on TV so the atmosphere is made up of the consistently shite patter of the regulars and whatever God awful Magic FM nonsense that they're blaring through their council telly. Verdict 2Ks/3 The Westburn is undeniably a bin pub and one with a regular stream of clientele to keep it going well into the future. However much like its counterpart in West Greenock The Old Wherry Tavern, it has tried to move away from its true bin pub roots and so falls beneath the high standards set by other and better bins. And so this argument can now be put to rest once and for all. Edited November 7, 2019 by K K Kelbie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GiGi Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 The Westburn does show fitba during the week (sometimes) and the Drygate tap is for show. They don't actually have any. Peter Weatherson is the greatest player since Ritchie, and should be assigned 'chairman for life' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capitanus Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 The Westburn does show fitba during the week (sometimes) and the Drygate tap is for show. They don't actually have any. Spoken like a true Westburn regular. *insert signature here* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TONofmemories Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 The Westburn does show fitba during the week (sometimes) and the Drygate tap is for show. They don't actually have any. Shitebags IMO. TIME FOR CHANGE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted November 29, 2019 Author Share Posted November 29, 2019 The KKK Bin Pub Review #23 - The Gourock Yacht Club Its definitely a left field choice of bin pub review this time round, so lets explain how it happened. While heading down the riviera on a sparkling summer's day, I spotted a sign outside the above establishment inviting folk to wander in for a crisp, cold pint of Tennents. Sadly I was driving the KKKmobile at the time so couldn't take them on the offer, but I pledged to make good on this offer at a later time. What followed was a stealth bin pub review. The yacht club is strictly speaking a members club but it also lets guests in when they can be bothered. Sometimes this is for events like live music or a beer tap festival, but as yours truly turned up on a Friday lunchtime the only event that would allow guest access was making use of their lunch menu. Which meant that rather than going for the 'two pints prick' approach of a normal review, I had to break the habit of a lifetime and mix food with bin pub refreshment to judge the place. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make in the name of cutting edge journalism. The main room was not mobbed as shown above. There was only a group of four middle aged men, with matching cardigans the same colour as their beetroot faces, who spent the time complaining about what 'that woman Sturgeon' was doing to the country. Yes this is indeed a hideout hole for the Tory scum remnant in West Greenock. Come to mock them. Good There are some good points to this establishment. As a members club, it is actually quite reasonably priced - a wee bit lower than the standard bins of West Greenock - and provides big boy measures as well. The main selling point for the place however is obvious - it has quite clearly the best beer garden in the area: Sadly the constant sideways rain showers made it look much more like the first image on my visit, which made a pint outside out of the question. Bad Respectable, stuffy, clean - none of these descriptions of the yacht club have any place alongside a true bin pub. Wines were needless to say of the non tonic variety and unless you fancy buying your own boat to justify the membership fees then your access to this place is limited. Verdict 1K/3 The Yacht Club is the polar opposite of a bin, but a mix of big boy measures and an outstanding beer garden gives it a more respectable score than many so called pubs in the area regardless. If you're passing by on a summer's day and spot the vitamin T sign out front, then you'll be much better served with a pint here than any of the failures along the rest of the waterfront like the Spinnaker or The Cloch. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted November 29, 2019 Author Share Posted November 29, 2019 (edited) I'll now take the opportunity to do quickfire reviews of the no hoper entries that dont justify a full review to explain why they're so shite. Let's continue the theme of beer gardens to kick us off: The Chartroom - Its main selling point is supposed to be a magnificent outside beer garden, but in fact all you're looking at are a bunch of stupid fucking boats floating in a harbour, while all the walloper boat people bray in between their bottles of Chardonnay. Around £4 for a pint of the standard favourites is also completely unacceptable. 0Ks/3 The Old Bank - A standard chain pub with no redeeming features - child measures, people ordering and being served coffee, charging nearly a fiver for whatever pish water from Spain, Italy or Aberdeenshire in the case of Brewdog they're pumping at the time. Avoid at all costs. 0Ks/3 Lithgows - As above, with better drinks promos and a pool table (plus) but also proven to shympathise as the Martin Compston incident earlier in the thread demonstrates. A completely unacceptable establishment. -3Ks/3 The Tail of the Bank - A typical, shite chain pub, it is however lifted above the competition by virtue of having one of the better/only proper beer gardens in Greenock proper - one that actually sees sunlight rather than some pointless fucking close entry with buildings overwhelming it on all sides. A pint of moderately priced cider on a sunny day outside is worth a brief pit stop but no more. 1K/3 The James Watt - Lifted out of complete chain drudgery by the £1.59 pints as well as the rotating cast of jakey clientele that these prices offer. You can and will do worse on Cathcart Street, but its still at most a brief pit stop. 0.5Ks/3 The two Brewers Fayre monstrosities are ineligible for review because you'd have to be a fucking mental case to choose to drink there in the first place. Edited November 29, 2019 by K K Kelbie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted November 29, 2019 Author Share Posted November 29, 2019 The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 The Willow 2.5/3 The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 (visitors' lounge) -3/3 (bhar) Donnachies 2/3 The Carnock 2/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3 The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 - punished for serving lentils to fussy bellends The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The James Watt 0.5/3 The Horseshoe 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Chartroom 0/3 The Old Bank 0/3 The Darroch 0/3 - punished £10k for failure; dead as Rangers Lithgows -3/3 Nicholsons Bar -3/3 -------------------------------- The Thistle (disqualified for morphing into a plastic paddy pub) The Burns Lounge (disqualified for being ****ing useless) Eagle eyed readers will spot that The Darroch has further punished in the wake of the KKK Bin Pub Review's scathing verdict. After first being fined £10k for its stupid dodgy box, its now boarded up and shut. Permanently? We can only hope so after several failed ventures. With that run through the no hoper pubs the winner of the KKK Best Bin Pub rosette is not far from being revealed. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TONofmemories Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 (edited) This has been an excellent thread. Great reviews. Edited November 30, 2019 by TONofmemories TIME FOR CHANGE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 The KKK Bin Pub Review #24 - The Caledonian Bar A New Year, a brand new bin pub for the KKK Review. The Caledonian is the new addition to the bar scene of the dirty wee Port. Sitting just across from the train station entrance, it's in a prime location to lure in folk who were stupid enough to spend their traipsing around that glorified car park of a town centre all day in the hope of getting a bargain. The Caledonian also aims to capture the dubious Port party pub scene for itself, as part of the town's stupid attempts to distinguish itself from its bigger and better hub next door. But is this new pub also a bin pub? Your intrepid reviewer was there on its opening gala night to find out for himself: The decor is similar to other pubs that managed to tart themselves up after mysteriously going on fire in the middle of the night: here's looking at you, Green Oak bar. Barrels for tables and (not shown above) tiny, shitey booths around the side for small groups to congregate in. The Caledonian claims to show live sports and has taken the unusual choice of fixing all their screens in the middle of the pub. This gives a decent view if you're around the edge of the pub, but if you're actually near the middle of the place then you'll get a neckache for a fortnight just trying to watch the football. Good The Caledonian doesnt do food and maintains the big boy measure policy of the rest of the dirty wee Port. Pint choices are acceptably limited to Tennents, Tennents Special, Magners (also Dark Fruit version) and Guinness - this isn't a schooners of Brewdog establishment. £2.80 for a Tennents is generously priced though a bit higher than competing bins like Donnachies in the vicinity. With live sports on TV The Caledonian has the basics of a bin pub covered. Word also reaches me that it's been spotted traipsing their clatty bins through the pub to the street outside during quiet periods, which definitely puts an extra bit of bin in this bin pub. Bad The Caledonian does not do tonic wines despite this being the common man's drink of choice in the Port. Instead it goes for a wide range of prosecco and gin which like the people who drink them have no place in a self respecting bin pub. There is also an issue with the spirits. £2.30 for a vodka and coke is on the pricey side, but far worse than this was the vodka being added to a massive 40cl glass and then being filled right up to the top with their skooshy shite from the gun. This simply wont do: a dash of coke is not 365 ml and KKKelbie likes to taste the paint stripper in his glass of Glens and coke every time. 1:10 alcohol to mixer might work for women and their ridiculous gin goblets but not in a properly functioning bin pub. Verdict 2/3 The Caledonian bar is a welcome addition to the scene as a new pub: it has mostly stuck to the bin pub principles rather than disappearing up its own arsehole and pretending to be some crap wine bar. Its very similar to the Green Oak as a pub that has tried to move up in the world - and run live music events throughout the weekend as part of this - while retaining some bin pub value. But there are some issues that need to be ironed out: sort the stupid screen layout; learn how to make a fucking vodka and coke; introduce tonic wine. If they had simply brought the KKK Review on board as consultant when building the place then none of things would have happened in the first place. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capitanus Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Thanks Kevin, I sometimes stop off at the Durty wee port on the way down, and £2.80 for a pint of TL is good nowadays, so I may see you two in there at some point. *insert signature here* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 The KKK Bin Pub Review #25 Cleats has been a mainstay of the West Greenock pub scene for decades. But this thread has shown repeatedly that the pubs of this part of the world are to put it mildly, fucking shite. So is this a rare bin pub haven among wanker owners (The Kempock) and wanker customers (everywhere else, but above all Cafe Continental in the surrounding area? Well yes and no is the answer. Good A quick dash away from the train station and the boat taking the spear chucking yokels back to Cowal, Cleats is in a prime location for a bin pub. It's also a short stagger away from the chippy and Three in One, which caters for all dietary needs. Needless to say then that food isnt served in Cleats, because it's a fucking pub and not a restaurant. The bin pub element is continued with a big boy measures policy, a usually dodgy TV box for the football and period features. Cleats also keeps copies of newspapers from The Herald down to the Tele, which makes it an agreeable place for a quiet daytime pint. Bad The biggest area where Cleats falls down is pricing: even bog standard pints now cost upwards of £3.50, which is touching Glasgow prices Spirits are a bit more reasonable at just over £2 a pop but we're still talking about a mark-up on Greater Greenock's correct price benchmarks. The clientele is also a mixed bag depending on the time of visit. During quiet periods Cleats still attracts old jaikies wanting their double vodka and ice and a swatch at the paper for an hour. At weekends however it is often rammed with fucking teachers ordering their seventh bottle of wine and people waiting to go downstairs for some garbage music. Needless to say given that teachers haunt the place that the wine list is also completely unacceptable for an upstanding bin pub. Verdict 1.5Ks/3 Cleats, like much of West Greenock's drinking holes, displays ideas above its station and so fails to be a good bin pub. You could certainly go into worse pubs though - there ere two within spitting distance - and on a quiet weekday its still worth a pint or two. The Gourock pub crawl should clearly be swapped out for one in the dirty wee Port if it's a quality bin pub experience youre after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted February 21, 2020 Author Share Posted February 21, 2020 And while were dealing with that neck of the woods, I can confirm that Cafe Continental gets the minimum award of -3Ks. Theres no need to do a full review when food service, every teacher in Greater Greenock swilling wine there when the schools finish and Dr Zhivago calling it his local are all established facts. Down like Berwick Rangers it goes. The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 The Willow 2.5/3 The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 (visitors' lounge) -3/3 (bhar) Donnachies 2/3The Carnock 2/3 Cleats 1.5/3 The Kempock 1/3The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 - punished for serving lentils to fussy bellends The Cloch Bar 0.5/3The James Watt 0.5/3 The Horseshoe 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3The Chartroom 0/3The Old Bank 0/3 The Darroch 0/3 - punished £10k for failure; dead as RangersLithgows -3/3Nicholsons Bar -3/3 Cafe Continental -3/3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted March 21, 2020 Author Share Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) The KKK Bin Pub Review #26 Yes its the long awaited verdict on an enduring classic of the bin pub scene: Chaplins. A pub that signals from the outside that half of its regulars will be up in court on Monday morning and inside celebrating a not proven in their finest Matalan clobber in the afternoon. Good Chaplins offers a rare full house of the extra amenities that a bin pub might use to liven up the atmosphere: - live sports on TV: all of them covered with suitable multi screens, check - pool table with chance of pool cues being wrapped around someones neck, check - late night karaoke fun pub session, check Because of this and the aformentioned clientele, Chaplins has a febrile atmosphere all weekend long last seen somewhere else when the Bellview Tavern was still on the go. The fun is always three seconds away from turning into a rammy. The fun is also made possible by very cheap and cheerful prices - £1.50 for a big boy vodka - as well as a generous approach to last orders. A full range of tasty pints are also available at a good price. Finally, Chaplins has the correct business approach to the biggest deal in town. First, it teamed up with the Inverclyde Independent a couple of years ago to offer a set of unique Morton and QB themed cocktails (including tonic wine varieties, though your intrepid reviewer preferred the blue mouthwash one). Second, it now regularly offers Morton season ticket and match day ticket holders any free pint from the regular selection before kickoff. In short, a bin pub that has got its priorities right and offers a regularly entertaining evening as well. Bad Chaplins used to proudly serve tonic wine but on my last visit it was conspicuous by its absence behind the bar. Are even Chaplins not immune to the powers of wank gentrification? Get it back and put it on optics for complete bin pub perfection. There also used to be a plastic screen shielding a section of the bar from the regular throwing of pool balls, bottles, chairs etc. across the pub: as the set of massive crack marks across the panel showed. This has now been removed which means that this bin pub is now slightly lacking for unique period features. Verdict 4Ks/3 This is a true bin pub and what countless other establishments in Greater Greenock should be aspiring. Cheap prices, due deference to Morton fans, full amenities to draw punters in in their droves and an underlying threat of mass violence. Chaplins is worthy of its place at the top of the KKK leaderboard and it will take some doing to top it. Edited March 21, 2020 by K K Kelbie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irnbru Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 I see Cheers was open today. Fights outside and The Sun holding a photoshoot inside. Videos available in all good WhatsApp groups. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BishopBrennan Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 I see Cheers was open today. Fights outside and The Sun holding a photoshoot inside. Videos available in all good WhatsApp groups. I just woke up and saw the videos there. Nothing surprises me with that place. You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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