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K K Kelbie

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K K Kelbie last won the day on June 14

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  1. The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard Chaplins 4Ks/3 The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 (d.) The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Caledonian Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 The Westburn 2/3 Donnachies 2/3 The Carnock 2/3 Cleats 1.5/3 The Norseman 1.5/3 The Lighthouse 1/3 The Willow 1/3 The Horseshoe 1/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3 The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The James Watt 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Chartroom 0/3 The Old Bank 0/3 (d.) The Darroch 0/3 (d.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lithgows -3/3 (d.) Nicholsons Bar -3/3 Cafe Continental -3/3 An overdue update to the overall rankings. The big mover is The Willow which loses a full K for abandoning its bin pub period feature of needing a key from the bar to unlock the men's bog to do a shite. Easy come, easy go. It loses a further half K for charging four pound fucking sixty for a pint of Menabrea which sends it plunging into the middle of the pack faster than an Ayr United title challenge. Since review, The Horseshoe has gained a purpose as a holding pen for jakies/late night karaoke until 1 on a Saturday night which gets it an improved score. Not counting zombiefied pubs like whatever the Darroch is again - and we don't - there are now just three contenders to go.
  2. Time to tick one of the higher profile candidates off the list. The KKK Bin Pub Review #29 - The Lighthouse Bar Nobody needs a photo of The Lighthouse: everybody knows where it is, and what it looks like. The Lighthouse loses a K automatically for having been freshly painted and updated in the past 5 years, thats just not what were looking for here. On the other hand it does earn half a K back for having the correct form of decoration as a 'Morton' pub. Good The Lighthouse has a fair range of drink options, with pints including Tennents, Guinness, Strongbow, Best etc. available for under £3.50. Measures are also in the 'big boy' variety and service can be expected late into the evening on busy weekends. A spirit and can of mixer for £2.80 is not bad. Not so good While The Lighthouse shows a wide range of live football, although this can be kicked off at times for daft fucking non sports like egg-chasing and Gaelic round egg chasing. Bad The Lighthouse 'boasts' a selection of 25 different gins when no gins at all are needed. This gin bar nonsense creates gin bar clientele - screeching banshees, who have no place in a self-respecting bin pub. Verdict: 1K/3. The Lighthouse is a serviceable drinking hole in the middle of town, but lacks any real bin pub period features to challenge the front runners.
  3. The KKK Bin Pub Review #28 After two years of sanitised drivel that ruined the great bin pub industry of Scotland, its time to get back on the horse and finish the only reputable guide to Greenocks pub scene. We are down to the remaining handful of establishments, before the prestigious KK Kelbie krown is handed out to a worthy winner. And where better a place to pick up where we left off than with a famous contender. Serving the residents of Braeside ever since some daft cunt at the council had the idea to build a scheme to nowhere on the side of a hill, the Burns Lounge has evaded previous KKK reviews by refusing to open at a reasonable hour. No more. The interior plays up to its tribute to the longest lived man to come from Ayrshire, with the added luxury of a ceiling (see KKK Review #27 - The Norseman). Good - The Burns Lounge has a fine selection of spirits. A big boy measure of your finest OVD cooking rum will set you back £1.90. Not outstanding in its category but a bit cheaper than city centre prices. - The Burns offers a carryout service for anyone unfortunate enough to be trapped in Braeside after dark - though its a bring your own shotgun policy. - The toilets provide some worthwhile period features. The cubicle has a bucket to contain the water that has clearly caved the hole in the ceiling above, but that bucket has since been used like those bogging shite paper buckets that you get in Third World countries like Greece. Sadly the Burns' lounge did not get a bonus point for having a shite festering in the bucket, as has been the case with The Norseman. Bad - The selection of pints on offer is basic even by bin pub standards - Tennents, Strongbow and John Smiths. This would not cost the Burns Lounge if the prices matched the offering. Instead, they are charging £3.40 a pint, in fucking Braeside. - Ambience: As likely explained by the pricing policy for pints, the place is as dead as Rangers on a weekend afternoon. A selection of STV banger programmes are all that are put on offer, with no pool table or any other way of distracting you from the Burns' Lounge experience. - Despite being the classic bin pub located in the middle of nowhere, the Burns Lounge did not have the correct range of tonic wines on visible display. Verdict - 1 K/3 A disappointing performance from a front runner on paper. Despite boasting the ideal location for bin pub greatness, The Burns Lounge fails to deliver on most fronts. It is an acceptable place to get in and out for a quick one, but otherwise does nothing to recommend itself. Failing to get the Burns Lounge right is why Ciano Rebecchis party lost all their seats in the council election.
  4. Speaking of jakeys, if anyone spots a bunch of Keystore bags with home delivery Thunderbird piling up on a doorstep in the Fife region then do NOT investigate further but send details on a postcard to the usual address: K and K Kelbie 3 Big Mags' Way The Raploch FK8 1SX I'll be double jagged and ready to go for Salou this summer.
  5. Cheers marking the anniversary by holding another lock in for their jakey clientele. https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/6850117/greenock-pub-covid-police-illegal/
  6. The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard Chaplins 4Ks/3 The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 The Willow 2.5/3 The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Caledonian Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 The Westburn 2/3 Donnachies 2/3 The Carnock 2/3 Cleats 1.5/3 The Norseman 1.5/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3 The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The James Watt 0.5/3 The Horseshoe 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Chartroom 0/3 The Old Bank 0/3 The Darroch 0/3 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lithgows -3/3 Nicholsons Bar -3/3 Cafe Continental -3/3
  7. Some shitey wee lockdown isn't going to keep your intrepid bin pub reviewer down. As current visits are out of the question it is the best possible time to review a pub that has hardly changed a jot since about 1987. The KKK Bin Pub Review #27 Once a premium spot in the Greenock nightlife scene, The Norseman has faded under the stewardship of 'Max' to become a 'Cappielow and occasional darts night' establishment, which is completely dead and often now shut the rest of the week. Let's run through just some of the period features that you can find on your visit there: - plaster panels that has been hanging off the walls unfixed for the best part of a decade - a unique open-plan ceiling - a library whose books have had the last pages ripped out for someone to wipe their snotters on - heater fans that waft burning stour and Legionnaires disease across the pub when some arsehole turns them on - a cauldron of 'soup' (one Happy Shopper cup a soup packet to two kettles worth of water) that is used to entice punters to go back to its hovel after the game - the toilet featuring real life artworks such as a full sized shite sitting in a bucket of water There is no doubt then that this is a bin pub, but is it a good bin pub? Good The period features above all fall under this section. The Norseman also offers decent prices - excellent for spirits, average for pints. Unless you count the diluted soup and the dodgy pies kept in a shitey wee warmer oven, The Norseman also doesn't do food never mind coffee. A bonus half K is given to the only recent innovation: a carryout fridge that has half bottles of Buckfast taking pride of place (El Dorado would have merited the full K). This keeps The Norseman's wine list on the acceptable side, although it has been seen to serve pinot grigio to some particularly foolish customers. Bad The Norseman is run with even more apathy and disinterest than the neighbouring football club and this shows in the quality stakes of a bin pub's offering. Having shown some live sports on TV it has since chucked it and gone back to council telly, while also keeping some of its tellies off during the only busy spells of its existence in a further effort to be a stingy bastard. Its only form of in house entertainment then is provided by a pool table which only gets in the way when everyone is in your pub at the exact same time and its two yard from the bar itself. Verdict 1.5 Ks/3 A good bin pub should keep you in there twice as long as you had planned and happy with your choice. The Norseman is a needs must pit stop before all its punters head to a better drinking hole as soon as possible after the game and so fails that test.
  8. The KKK Bin Pub Review #26 Yes its the long awaited verdict on an enduring classic of the bin pub scene: Chaplins. A pub that signals from the outside that half of its regulars will be up in court on Monday morning and inside celebrating a not proven in their finest Matalan clobber in the afternoon. Good Chaplins offers a rare full house of the extra amenities that a bin pub might use to liven up the atmosphere: - live sports on TV: all of them covered with suitable multi screens, check - pool table with chance of pool cues being wrapped around someones neck, check - late night karaoke fun pub session, check Because of this and the aformentioned clientele, Chaplins has a febrile atmosphere all weekend long last seen somewhere else when the Bellview Tavern was still on the go. The fun is always three seconds away from turning into a rammy. The fun is also made possible by very cheap and cheerful prices - £1.50 for a big boy vodka - as well as a generous approach to last orders. A full range of tasty pints are also available at a good price. Finally, Chaplins has the correct business approach to the biggest deal in town. First, it teamed up with the Inverclyde Independent a couple of years ago to offer a set of unique Morton and QB themed cocktails (including tonic wine varieties, though your intrepid reviewer preferred the blue mouthwash one). Second, it now regularly offers Morton season ticket and match day ticket holders any free pint from the regular selection before kickoff. In short, a bin pub that has got its priorities right and offers a regularly entertaining evening as well. Bad Chaplins used to proudly serve tonic wine but on my last visit it was conspicuous by its absence behind the bar. Are even Chaplins not immune to the powers of wank gentrification? Get it back and put it on optics for complete bin pub perfection. There also used to be a plastic screen shielding a section of the bar from the regular throwing of pool balls, bottles, chairs etc. across the pub: as the set of massive crack marks across the panel showed. This has now been removed which means that this bin pub is now slightly lacking for unique period features. Verdict 4Ks/3 This is a true bin pub and what countless other establishments in Greater Greenock should be aspiring. Cheap prices, due deference to Morton fans, full amenities to draw punters in in their droves and an underlying threat of mass violence. Chaplins is worthy of its place at the top of the KKK leaderboard and it will take some doing to top it.
  9. And while were dealing with that neck of the woods, I can confirm that Cafe Continental gets the minimum award of -3Ks. Theres no need to do a full review when food service, every teacher in Greater Greenock swilling wine there when the schools finish and Dr Zhivago calling it his local are all established facts. Down like Berwick Rangers it goes. The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 The Willow 2.5/3 The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 (visitors' lounge) -3/3 (bhar) Donnachies 2/3 The Carnock 2/3 Cleats 1.5/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3 The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 - punished for serving lentils to fussy bellends The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The James Watt 0.5/3 The Horseshoe 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Chartroom 0/3 The Old Bank 0/3 The Darroch 0/3 - punished £10k for failure; dead as Rangers Lithgows -3/3 Nicholsons Bar -3/3 Cafe Continental -3/3
  10. The KKK Bin Pub Review #25 Cleats has been a mainstay of the West Greenock pub scene for decades. But this thread has shown repeatedly that the pubs of this part of the world are to put it mildly, fucking shite. So is this a rare bin pub haven among wanker owners (The Kempock) and wanker customers (everywhere else, but above all Cafe Continental in the surrounding area? Well yes and no is the answer. Good A quick dash away from the train station and the boat taking the spear chucking yokels back to Cowal, Cleats is in a prime location for a bin pub. It's also a short stagger away from the chippy and Three in One, which caters for all dietary needs. Needless to say then that food isnt served in Cleats, because it's a fucking pub and not a restaurant. The bin pub element is continued with a big boy measures policy, a usually dodgy TV box for the football and period features. Cleats also keeps copies of newspapers from The Herald down to the Tele, which makes it an agreeable place for a quiet daytime pint. Bad The biggest area where Cleats falls down is pricing: even bog standard pints now cost upwards of £3.50, which is touching Glasgow prices Spirits are a bit more reasonable at just over £2 a pop but we're still talking about a mark-up on Greater Greenock's correct price benchmarks. The clientele is also a mixed bag depending on the time of visit. During quiet periods Cleats still attracts old jaikies wanting their double vodka and ice and a swatch at the paper for an hour. At weekends however it is often rammed with fucking teachers ordering their seventh bottle of wine and people waiting to go downstairs for some garbage music. Needless to say given that teachers haunt the place that the wine list is also completely unacceptable for an upstanding bin pub. Verdict 1.5Ks/3 Cleats, like much of West Greenock's drinking holes, displays ideas above its station and so fails to be a good bin pub. You could certainly go into worse pubs though - there ere two within spitting distance - and on a quiet weekday its still worth a pint or two. The Gourock pub crawl should clearly be swapped out for one in the dirty wee Port if it's a quality bin pub experience youre after.
  11. The KKK Bin Pub Review #24 - The Caledonian Bar A New Year, a brand new bin pub for the KKK Review. The Caledonian is the new addition to the bar scene of the dirty wee Port. Sitting just across from the train station entrance, it's in a prime location to lure in folk who were stupid enough to spend their traipsing around that glorified car park of a town centre all day in the hope of getting a bargain. The Caledonian also aims to capture the dubious Port party pub scene for itself, as part of the town's stupid attempts to distinguish itself from its bigger and better hub next door. But is this new pub also a bin pub? Your intrepid reviewer was there on its opening gala night to find out for himself: The decor is similar to other pubs that managed to tart themselves up after mysteriously going on fire in the middle of the night: here's looking at you, Green Oak bar. Barrels for tables and (not shown above) tiny, shitey booths around the side for small groups to congregate in. The Caledonian claims to show live sports and has taken the unusual choice of fixing all their screens in the middle of the pub. This gives a decent view if you're around the edge of the pub, but if you're actually near the middle of the place then you'll get a neckache for a fortnight just trying to watch the football. Good The Caledonian doesnt do food and maintains the big boy measure policy of the rest of the dirty wee Port. Pint choices are acceptably limited to Tennents, Tennents Special, Magners (also Dark Fruit version) and Guinness - this isn't a schooners of Brewdog establishment. £2.80 for a Tennents is generously priced though a bit higher than competing bins like Donnachies in the vicinity. With live sports on TV The Caledonian has the basics of a bin pub covered. Word also reaches me that it's been spotted traipsing their clatty bins through the pub to the street outside during quiet periods, which definitely puts an extra bit of bin in this bin pub. Bad The Caledonian does not do tonic wines despite this being the common man's drink of choice in the Port. Instead it goes for a wide range of prosecco and gin which like the people who drink them have no place in a self respecting bin pub. There is also an issue with the spirits. £2.30 for a vodka and coke is on the pricey side, but far worse than this was the vodka being added to a massive 40cl glass and then being filled right up to the top with their skooshy shite from the gun. This simply wont do: a dash of coke is not 365 ml and KKKelbie likes to taste the paint stripper in his glass of Glens and coke every time. 1:10 alcohol to mixer might work for women and their ridiculous gin goblets but not in a properly functioning bin pub. Verdict 2/3 The Caledonian bar is a welcome addition to the scene as a new pub: it has mostly stuck to the bin pub principles rather than disappearing up its own arsehole and pretending to be some crap wine bar. Its very similar to the Green Oak as a pub that has tried to move up in the world - and run live music events throughout the weekend as part of this - while retaining some bin pub value. But there are some issues that need to be ironed out: sort the stupid screen layout; learn how to make a fucking vodka and coke; introduce tonic wine. If they had simply brought the KKK Review on board as consultant when building the place then none of things would have happened in the first place.
  12. The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 The Willow 2.5/3 The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 (visitors' lounge) -3/3 (bhar) Donnachies 2/3 The Carnock 2/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3 The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 - punished for serving lentils to fussy bellends The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The James Watt 0.5/3 The Horseshoe 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Chartroom 0/3 The Old Bank 0/3 The Darroch 0/3 - punished £10k for failure; dead as Rangers Lithgows -3/3 Nicholsons Bar -3/3 -------------------------------- The Thistle (disqualified for morphing into a plastic paddy pub) The Burns Lounge (disqualified for being ****ing useless) Eagle eyed readers will spot that The Darroch has further punished in the wake of the KKK Bin Pub Review's scathing verdict. After first being fined £10k for its stupid dodgy box, its now boarded up and shut. Permanently? We can only hope so after several failed ventures. With that run through the no hoper pubs the winner of the KKK Best Bin Pub rosette is not far from being revealed.
  13. I'll now take the opportunity to do quickfire reviews of the no hoper entries that dont justify a full review to explain why they're so shite. Let's continue the theme of beer gardens to kick us off: The Chartroom - Its main selling point is supposed to be a magnificent outside beer garden, but in fact all you're looking at are a bunch of stupid fucking boats floating in a harbour, while all the walloper boat people bray in between their bottles of Chardonnay. Around £4 for a pint of the standard favourites is also completely unacceptable. 0Ks/3 The Old Bank - A standard chain pub with no redeeming features - child measures, people ordering and being served coffee, charging nearly a fiver for whatever pish water from Spain, Italy or Aberdeenshire in the case of Brewdog they're pumping at the time. Avoid at all costs. 0Ks/3 Lithgows - As above, with better drinks promos and a pool table (plus) but also proven to shympathise as the Martin Compston incident earlier in the thread demonstrates. A completely unacceptable establishment. -3Ks/3 The Tail of the Bank - A typical, shite chain pub, it is however lifted above the competition by virtue of having one of the better/only proper beer gardens in Greenock proper - one that actually sees sunlight rather than some pointless fucking close entry with buildings overwhelming it on all sides. A pint of moderately priced cider on a sunny day outside is worth a brief pit stop but no more. 1K/3 The James Watt - Lifted out of complete chain drudgery by the £1.59 pints as well as the rotating cast of jakey clientele that these prices offer. You can and will do worse on Cathcart Street, but its still at most a brief pit stop. 0.5Ks/3 The two Brewers Fayre monstrosities are ineligible for review because you'd have to be a fucking mental case to choose to drink there in the first place.
  14. The KKK Bin Pub Review #23 - The Gourock Yacht Club Its definitely a left field choice of bin pub review this time round, so lets explain how it happened. While heading down the riviera on a sparkling summer's day, I spotted a sign outside the above establishment inviting folk to wander in for a crisp, cold pint of Tennents. Sadly I was driving the KKKmobile at the time so couldn't take them on the offer, but I pledged to make good on this offer at a later time. What followed was a stealth bin pub review. The yacht club is strictly speaking a members club but it also lets guests in when they can be bothered. Sometimes this is for events like live music or a beer tap festival, but as yours truly turned up on a Friday lunchtime the only event that would allow guest access was making use of their lunch menu. Which meant that rather than going for the 'two pints prick' approach of a normal review, I had to break the habit of a lifetime and mix food with bin pub refreshment to judge the place. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make in the name of cutting edge journalism. The main room was not mobbed as shown above. There was only a group of four middle aged men, with matching cardigans the same colour as their beetroot faces, who spent the time complaining about what 'that woman Sturgeon' was doing to the country. Yes this is indeed a hideout hole for the Tory scum remnant in West Greenock. Come to mock them. Good There are some good points to this establishment. As a members club, it is actually quite reasonably priced - a wee bit lower than the standard bins of West Greenock - and provides big boy measures as well. The main selling point for the place however is obvious - it has quite clearly the best beer garden in the area: Sadly the constant sideways rain showers made it look much more like the first image on my visit, which made a pint outside out of the question. Bad Respectable, stuffy, clean - none of these descriptions of the yacht club have any place alongside a true bin pub. Wines were needless to say of the non tonic variety and unless you fancy buying your own boat to justify the membership fees then your access to this place is limited. Verdict 1K/3 The Yacht Club is the polar opposite of a bin, but a mix of big boy measures and an outstanding beer garden gives it a more respectable score than many so called pubs in the area regardless. If you're passing by on a summer's day and spot the vitamin T sign out front, then you'll be much better served with a pint here than any of the failures along the rest of the waterfront like the Spinnaker or The Cloch.
  15. The KKK Bin Pub Review #22 There's been quite a lot of gurning about this pub as being the best bin pub in the fine bin pub hub known as Greenock, so it is high time that it got the KKK treatment. Good Estate agents claim that the value of their property is all about location, location, location and The Westburn vouches for that in the bin pub market as well. Specifically, this bin pub serves as a creche for men while their women folk traipse around Iceland or the handful of shops still left in the Oak Mall getting the messages in. £6 an hour is a decent rate for adult care with their dietary needs taken care of as well, so this bin provides a valuable public service. Big boy measures are suitably provided at cheap rates (£1.70 for Black Bottle) with the old tramp favourite Tartan Special on tap. Burberry check wallpaper and a 'smoking area' that just opens into the tiny arse end of the old close completes the truly sophisticated look of this bin. Bad It seems that even The Westburn has now got ideas well above its station. In addition to the jakey juice it also serves Heverlee and Drygate beers on tap - which should be found in a Bearsden bistro-pub instead. There's also a wine list without any tonic choices as well as a fully stacked gin bar section. None of this is becoming of a bin pub. There's also no live sports covered on TV so the atmosphere is made up of the consistently shite patter of the regulars and whatever God awful Magic FM nonsense that they're blaring through their council telly. Verdict 2Ks/3 The Westburn is undeniably a bin pub and one with a regular stream of clientele to keep it going well into the future. However much like its counterpart in West Greenock The Old Wherry Tavern, it has tried to move away from its true bin pub roots and so falls beneath the high standards set by other and better bins. And so this argument can now be put to rest once and for all.
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