Jump to content

K K Kelbie

Member Since 12 Dec 2016
Offline Last Active Jun 15 2019 03:51 PM

#1121815 The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread

Posted by K K Kelbie on 15 June 2019 - 03:51 PM

Big Mags wept at the sight of anyone taking that fanny seriously.
  • 1

#1121435 The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread

Posted by K K Kelbie on 07 June 2019 - 12:10 PM

The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard
The Carnock - 4Ks/3
The Hole in the Wa 3/3
Monteith's 2.5/3
The Willow 2.5/3
The Green Oak 2/3
The Station Bar 2/3
The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3
The Star 2/3 (visitors' lounge) -3/3 (bhar)
The Cardwell 1/3
The Kempock 1/3
The Elbow Room 1/3
The Cloch Bar 0.5/3
The Darroch 0/3 - punished £10k for failure
The Thistle (disqualified for morphing into a plastic paddy pub) 
The Burns Lounge (disqualified for being ****ing useless)

  • 1

#1121434 The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread

Posted by K K Kelbie on 07 June 2019 - 12:07 PM

The KKK Bin Pub Review #14 - The Elbow Room


Its back to a land that time forgot this week with a trip to Inverkip's effort at a bin pub. 




The Elbow Room is the public bar offshoot of the Inverkip Hotel. The larger hotel bar/restaurant is a hotspot for middle aged wankers called Farquhar to discuss fucking sailing and their subs to the Tory party, so be sure to find the correct entrance.




Despite the less then promising location, The Elbow Room at least remains faithful to some bin pub principles: big boy measures are in place and live sports can also be found on the TV. Despite a recent refit, it has also correctly stuck to the dark and dingy look: a pub should not be lit up like its under the floodlights at Cappielow.   




Inverkip prices make Gourock's pubs look as good value as drinking at a streetside shack in Albania. The larger selection of pints split either side of the £4 mark. Prosecco rather than El Dorado is the wine on special offer here. The Elbow Room also serves a selection of bar meals, when the closest thing that a bin pub should offer to a solid meal is a packet of Scampi Fries and a dodgy pint of Guinness. 






The Elbow Room fails to meet many bin pub requirements but is not so much of a fucking disaster as The Cloch or other failures within Greater Greenock. With big boy measures and live sport available, The Elbow Room is passable for an hour or two if you get stranded in that hovel of a village and want to avoid the local wanker set. It earns an 'any port in a storm' KKK certificate of acceptance but nothing more. 

  • 2

#1121429 Squad and transfers 2019/20

Posted by K K Kelbie on 07 June 2019 - 11:38 AM

Tony Fitzpatrick is actually one of the good guys. He came up to my house one night to speak to my son and I done the hospitable thing and gave him coffee and a plate of soap. Had a good laugh about it.


Its not like you to be groomed by a jakey Slazenger trackie wearing tramp. 

  • 2

#1118995 The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread

Posted by K K Kelbie on 11 May 2019 - 12:23 PM

The KKK Bin Pub Review #13 - The Darroch Bar


Its a return to west Greenock this week with a visit to The Darroch - a pub that's had more changes of ownership in recent years than Dundee, Livingston and Sevco put together. And doesn't it just show.






The Darroch has tried to move away from its bin pub roots in recent years, including a stint as as 'Da Rock Bar' which successfully managed to replace Dakota and Shed 21 on Greenock's 'rock bar' scene in the sense that all of them were fucking brutal shiteholes. 


Now The Darroch has rolled back to being a pub for the sort of jaikey who can't get served in better bin pubs like Monteiths and The Wherry a short jaunt away. Think of it as the 'Cheers' of west Greenock. 


Good points


It has stuck to big boy measures and its prices by West Greenock's standards are reasonable. It doesn't serve food. and also earns a bonus half K for having Staropramen on tap alongside your generic bin pub options. There is also a half decent beer garden out the back compared to the rest of West Greenock's pathetic offerings.


Bad points


There are many. No tonic wines are available. No all important period features can be found in a bin pub that has gone through a dozen failed rebrands in a row. Between the face-tripping staff and the jakey clientele, this place has as much atmosphere as the Moon and is just as empty most of the time. When KKK conducted a review during the recent international weekend, The Darroch was not showing any football but rather some pointless shite on ITV4, Not even Columbo or Quincy, just some non descript fucking drivel instead. KKK does not care whether it was only Gibraltar taking on an even more pointless rock called 'Ireland', if football is on you either stop being cheapskate bastards and pay to show it in your pub or get the laptop fired up to play it for fuck all. Especially on a fucking Saturday. 




0Ks/3. Despite a couple of decent selling points in its favour, The Darroch is now a failed bin pub with far too much wrong going on to recommend it. As it stands, The Darroch is one of the only bin pubs that would not be missed even one bit in Greater Greenock, as the two pubs alongside it do a far better job anyway. Avoid like the plague.


Introduce tonic wine and a Moldova level pricing policy and perhaps a re-review will be more favourable. 

  • 3

#1118840 The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread

Posted by K K Kelbie on 08 May 2019 - 06:21 PM

Why is it you refuse to do the Westburn again? It needs done.


There's no refusal going on: all bin pubs will be done in good time. Its going to be a long summer.


Also, will you be doing the Wanderers’ club house? I can arrange a guided tour if you like?


If I wanted a pint of warm pish surrounded by wankers then I'd review the nearest Belhaven instead. 

  • 1

#1117827 The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread

Posted by K K Kelbie on 02 May 2019 - 09:22 PM

The KKK Bin Pub Review #12 - The Station Bar


For this one KKK was forced to head out to the lawless frontier zone between Civilisation and the barbaric hellhole known as Ayrshire. Fortunately there was a bin pub to make the trip worthwhile.




The Station Bar is a fixture of the bin pub scene, serving its core clientele of 'people who got pished and fell asleep on the train, waking up in Wemyss fucking Bay when it stopped'. Also, the native spear-chuckers coming over on the boat from Bute, Greenock's very own summer house. 




Good: The Station Bar retains all important character features. Firstly, note the roaring coal fire instead of the shitey and fusty radiators that are used to keep inferior pubs warm in the winter months. It also doesn't have a men's toilet - you're advised to use the ones in the station outside - but when they close this bin pub turns its ladies into a unisex effort. So it's well ahead of the 'woke' trend on that front. It also serves big boy measures, all the required pints on tap and sports on TV. The punters are most definitely on the staunch side though. 


Bad: A wine list that has Pinot Grigio on it instead of El Dorado, food can be ordered from the cafe next door during the day and prices that are steep by bin pub standards. 


Verdict: 2Ks/3

The Station Bar could be a failure in the middle of nowhere like The Cloch but it isn't. Period features are a big reason why this remains a viable bin pub. The other one is location. A bin pub inside a train station trumps all other locations in Greenock. It also offers great entertainment whenever some spear-chuckers miss their last boat and have to fend for themselves on the mainland. The Station Bar therefore earns a respectable position on the bin pub leaderboard.

  • 2

#1117823 Fan Ownership - Morton Club Together

Posted by K K Kelbie on 02 May 2019 - 08:59 PM

Its called freedom of speech my friend.

Now run along and save the world.


You don't have freedom of speech, your groomer tells you what to think and say. Even the scabby greyhound has got more to say for itself than you do. 





  • 1

#1117429 The Beer Thread

Posted by K K Kelbie on 29 April 2019 - 12:40 PM

'The merits of drinking urine' thread for this pish.


What goes on in the back of your white van stays in the back of the white van.

  • 1

#1116389 Falkirk v Morton 20/04/19

Posted by K K Kelbie on 20 April 2019 - 09:20 AM

The KKK approved message to this Morton team today:
“I know what people say to you, right? They say ‘We hate you. I hate you, I hate you,’ everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they’d fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is Diagnosis Murder not on the other side?’ So we fucking forget about them.
Ray McKinnon... Falkirk … and their hordes of fucking snakes, they’re coming over the hill towards us. And all you’ve got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and twat the fuckery out of them!
Let’s get out there and let’s fucking kill them! Let’s set fire to tears! Let’s go!”

  • 2

#1115848 ton v inverness

Posted by K K Kelbie on 15 April 2019 - 06:10 PM

Have you got a baby fetish?


I think you've confused me with your groomer. Next. 

  • 2

#1115845 ton v inverness

Posted by K K Kelbie on 15 April 2019 - 05:37 PM

They're probably still wanking themselves silly over the Sportsman's Dinner.


How was your nappy changing duty instead?

  • 3

#1114031 Fans Q&A

Posted by K K Kelbie on 24 March 2019 - 07:08 PM

Sorry, you'll need to translate that into English if you want people to understand what you're talking about.

You can't understand it because you're thick. Get your groomer to sober up for a change to explain it to you. Next.

Better still, put your hood on and go and chase some black cars. I've just seen some on the M8. If you're quick you might catch one. 

Another shite comeback from a shitebag.




  • 2

#1114026 Fans Q&A

Posted by K K Kelbie on 24 March 2019 - 06:58 PM

Is that a doggy bag from one of your bin pub reviews?

Enjoy your supper.


You're the expert in nappy changing on here, you tell us. 

  • 1

#1114023 Fans Q&A

Posted by K K Kelbie on 24 March 2019 - 06:49 PM

I'm surprised there's been very little reported from the AGM. Was anyone there?

Its exactly that lack of transparency that sees our club where it is at this moment in time.
At least they've arranged a Q&A session for the fans, where they'll be churning out the next series of lies for the gullible fans to lap up.


I assume you’ll be at the Q&A session?

To be perfectly honest, I'm past caring.

That sounds familiar.




  • 1