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K K Kelbie

The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread

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I was driving down the coast road the other day and spotted a sign for a bar at the Cloch Caravan Park, which was the first I'd heard of such a thing. As my body is a temple on a school day I didn't take the turn up to explore this time, but it had me thinking about what other drinking dens exist within the sprawling metropolis of Greenock that aren't widely known about.

As a connoisseur of bin pubs, I've enjoyed a Tartan Special or two in the following places:

The Dirty Port

Star 'Hotel'
Comet
Donnachie's
Sutherland
Prince of Wales (now dead like Rangers)

City Centre

Carnock
s***ehouse
Jimmy
Waterline (not the latest Livingston type franchise job)
Old Bank
Westburn
Hole in the Wa'
Norseman (Hole in the Ceiling)
Green Oak
Horseshoe
Chaplins
Willow
Thistle a.k.a The New Lynedoch a.k.a The Super Fun Karaoke Pub
Broomy

West End

Everywhere from the Cardwell to The Firth (also dead like Rangers)

The only other pub missing from this tour of duty to my knowledge is the Burns Lounge, as Kyle got barred from there a few years ago when a tense game of dominoes turned into a full scale rammy on a Tuesday afternoon. Shame. So is this mysterious Cloch Bar the only other place to have missed out on the KKK pound?

Discuss your experiences of Greenock's finest hostelries, and The Norseman as well.

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The argyle?

Good spot! Both Ks have indeed spent time in it but left baffled by its half-arsed transformation into a respectable pub. A forgettable establishment, but its beer garden is excellent.

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If we're expanding our dominant rule like Soviet Russia between 1939-45 - and who wouldn't? - then the Elbow Room in Inverkip, the Station Bar in Wemyss Bay and the Black Bull in Rothesay also now form part of Greenock's bin pub dominion.


A single red dot is a tragedy; one million red dots is a statistic. 

 

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We're not counting Brewers Fayre-type places or the bar at the Tontine, presumably.


Now before Gavin goes, I'd like to ask him one more question.


Do you like Abba?

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We're not counting Brewers Fayre-type places or the bar at the Tontine, presumably.

No. The weirdo out of town chains are fake pubs, including the Hungry Horse outfit at the dock. This isn't Livingston, we can safely discard them as we have real pubs instead.

 

The bar at The Tontine probably doesn't open at 11am for a Saturday kick-off and wouldn't dream of serving a cheeky pint of Tennents Special. It's a cocktail bar which are all excluded from the KKK/bin pub checklist.

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Good spot! Both Ks have indeed spent time in it but left baffled by its half-arsed transformation into a respectable pub. A forgettable establishment, but its beer garden is excellent.

I was there last weekend and the clientele were a bit dodgy...

 

Plus they advertise a wide range of gin and they had none at all (wasn't for me obviously).

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We're not counting Brewers Fayre-type places or the bar at the Tontine, presumably.

Both bars at the tontine are decent but it's a good point. What about the exchange, etc.

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If we're expanding our dominant rule like Soviet Russia between 1939-45 - and who wouldn't? - then the Elbow Room in Inverkip, the Station Bar in Wemyss Bay and the Black Bull in Rothesay also now form part of Greenock's bin pub dominion.

If you're going to Rothesay then there's Skermorlie and Kilmacolm...

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Both bars at the tontine are decent but it's a good point. What about the exchange, etc.

Cocktail bar. If you need to ponder what type of drink you're going to order, it is not a proper Greenock watering hole. Never mind read a menu FFS.

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Cocktail bar. If you need to ponder what type of drink you're going to order, it is not a proper Greenock watering hole. Never mind read a menu FFS.

The willow has a cocktail menu now...

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The willow has a cocktail menu now...

The Willow doesn't actually provide this menu in the pub though, as it understands that you still want a Tartan Special/Caledonian Best/spirit at the bar anyway.

 

Next.

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There is definitely a line to be drawn between pub and hotel bar/cocktail bar/gastropub (of which I don't think there are any in Inverclyde.) The mere existence of cocktails on the menu doesn't make something a cocktail bar. The James Watt has a massive food menu and all manner of cocktails but it is by virtue of its pricing and opening hours very much a pub: if there's jakes in there at two in the afternoon well into their third pint, it's a pub. As such, the Jimmy is a pub, regardless of whether someone actually orders a mojito and penne carbonara. The Willow also remains a pub even if they have a dusty inkjet printout somewhere advertising "Cocktail's". 

 

Rothesay is well out of dominion. The Greater Greenock Conurbation ends at Skelmorlie.

 

edit: and the Elbow Room in Inverkip is a pub even though it shares a space with the Inverkip Hotel restaurant, which is not a pub. If there's a separate entrance and a distinct change of atmosphere, pubdom is permitted. Kind of like how there used to be the lounge as well as the bar in old pubs (still the case in the Argyll & Sutherland, possibly others as well.)


Now before Gavin goes, I'd like to ask him one more question.


Do you like Abba?

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If you're going to Rothesay then there's Skermorlie and Kilmacolm...

And the Soviet Union in 1945 could have gone into Finland and Austria but didn't, because they're irrelevant bins.

 

Rothesay is Greenock's East Germany/Crimea, with enough bin pubs to justify outright annexation.


A single red dot is a tragedy; one million red dots is a statistic. 

 

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Kilmacolm should only be invaded if there's a scorched-earth policy in place. For one thing, it only has one pub - outrageous for a village of its size.


Now before Gavin goes, I'd like to ask him one more question.


Do you like Abba?

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Is that list in any particular order?

From east to west across the Metropolis without being pedantic about bin pub locations within each specific hub.

 

Next.

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Kilmacolm should only be invaded if there's a scorched-earth policy in place. For one thing, it only has one pub - outrageous for a village of its size.

Only if Hugh Scott can be safely captured and pushed at bayonet point into a Yekaterinburg cellar.


A single red dot is a tragedy; one million red dots is a statistic. 

 

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If we're expanding our dominant rule like Soviet Russia between 1939-45 - and who wouldn't? - then the Elbow Room in Inverkip, the Station Bar in Wemyss Bay and the Black Bull in Rothesay also now form part of Greenock's bin pub dominion.

 

The Station Bar is an outstanding pub. An open log fire and you're approximately 4 seconds away from the train. An excellent choice.


You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! 


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The Willow doesn't actually provide this menu in the pub though, as it understands that you still want a Tartan Special/Caledonian Best/spirit at the bar anyway.

 

Next.

It actually does. They have a shaker and everything.

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It actually does. They have a shaker and everything.

 

It actually doesn't, as Kyle is literally just back from said pub and confirms that you're talking pish. 

 

Next.

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It actually doesn't, as Kyle is literally just back from said pub and confirms that you're talking pish.

 

Next.

It actually does so Kyle is wrong.

 

Next.

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It actually does so Kyle is wrong.

 

Next.

 

The menu isn't provided to the clientele - which is what you claimed - as Kyle's eye-witness visit last night confirms. Refer to the following guide for any other queries that you have regarding bin pubbery:

 

 

If you need to ponder what type of drink you're going to order, it is not a proper Greenock watering hole.

 

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The menu isn't provided to the clientele - which is what you claimed - as Kyle's eye-witness visit last night confirms. Refer to the following guide for any other queries that you have regarding bin pubbery:

 

They genuinely have a cocktail list on the wall now. Not quite as fine a list as Chaplins but they do have one!

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