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The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread


K K Kelbie

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I just woke up and saw the videos there. Nothing surprises me with that place. 

 

Well it would be surprising if it wasn't reeking of pish for a change.

 

Re: Chaplins, it's worth nothing that they've got a highly objectionable piece up on the wall in the form of a signed and framed Michael 'King Snake' Tidser jersey. That needs to be smashed like a plate at a Greek taverna and then ceremonially burned.

Edited by vikingTON

The site is supposed to be a place for the extended 'family' of Morton supporters - having an affinity with people that you don't know, because you share a love of your local football club. It's not supposed to be about point scoring and showing how 'clever' or 'funny' you are, or just being downright rude and offensive to people you don't know, because you can get away with it. Unfortunately, it seems the classic case of people who have little standing/presence in real life, use this forum as a way of making themselves feel as if they are something. It's sad, and I've said that before..

 

So, having been on Morton forums for about 15 years I guess, I've had enough... well done t*ssers, another Morton supporter driven away. You can all feel happy at how 'clever' you are

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  • 1 month later...

Some shitey wee lockdown isn't going to keep your intrepid bin pub reviewer down. As current visits are out of the question it is the best possible time to review a pub that has hardly changed a jot since about 1987.

 

The KKK Bin Pub Review #27

 

 

3054625_6e8734cd.jpg

 

Once a premium spot in the Greenock nightlife scene, The Norseman has faded under the stewardship of  'Max' to become a 'Cappielow and occasional darts night' establishment, which is completely dead and often now shut the rest of the week. Let's run through just some of the period features that you can find on your visit there:

 

- plaster panels that has been hanging off the walls unfixed for the best part of a decade

- a unique open-plan ceiling

- a library whose books have had the last pages ripped out for someone to wipe their snotters on

- heater fans that waft burning stour and Legionnaires disease across the pub when some arsehole turns them on

- a cauldron of 'soup' (one Happy Shopper cup a soup packet to two kettles worth of water) that is used to entice punters to go back to its hovel after the game

- the toilet featuring real life artworks such as a full sized shite sitting in a bucket of water

 

There is no doubt then that this is a bin pub, but is it a good bin pub?

 

Good

 

The period features above all fall under this section. The Norseman also offers decent prices - excellent for spirits, average for pints. Unless you count the diluted soup and the dodgy pies kept in a shitey wee warmer oven, The Norseman also doesn't do food never mind coffee. A bonus half K is given to the only recent innovation: a carryout fridge that has half bottles of Buckfast taking pride of place (El Dorado would have merited the full K). This keeps The Norseman's wine list on the acceptable side, although it has been seen to serve pinot grigio to some particularly foolish customers.

 

Bad

 

The Norseman is run with even more apathy and disinterest than the neighbouring football club and this shows in the quality stakes of a bin pub's offering. Having shown some live sports on TV it has since chucked it and gone back to council telly, while also keeping some of its tellies off during the only busy spells of its existence in a further effort to be a stingy bastard. Its only form of in house entertainment then is provided by a pool table which only gets in the way when everyone is in your pub at the exact same time and its two yard from the bar itself.

 

Verdict

 

1.5 Ks/3

 

A good bin pub should keep you in there twice as long as you had planned and happy with your choice. The Norseman is a needs must pit stop before all its punters head to a better drinking hole as soon as possible after the game and so fails that test.

Edited by K K Kelbie
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The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard
 

Chaplins 4Ks/3

 

The Hole in the Wa 3/3
 
The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3

The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3
 
Monteith's 2.5/3
 
The Willow 2.5/3
 
The Green Oak 2/3
 
The Station Bar 2/3

 

The Caledonian Bar 2/3
 
The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3
 
The Star 2/3

 

The Westburn 2/3

Donnachies 2/3

The Carnock 2/3

 

Cleats 1.5/3

 

The Norseman 1.5/3
 
The Kempock 1/3

The Black Cat 1/3
 
The Elbow Room 1/3

The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3

The Tail of the Bank 1/3
 
The Cardwell 0.5/3
 
The Cloch Bar 0.5/3

The James Watt 0.5/3
 
The Horseshoe 0.5/3
 
The Spinnaker 0.5/3

The Chartroom 0/3

The Old Bank 0/3
 
The Darroch 0/3

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lithgows -3/3

Nicholsons Bar -3/3

 

Cafe Continental -3/3

Edited by K K Kelbie
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Some shitey wee lockdown isn't going to keep your intrepid bin pub reviewer down. As current visits are out of the question it is the best possible time to review a pub that has hardly changed a jot since about 1987.

 

The KKK Bin Pub Review #27

 

 

3054625_6e8734cd.jpg

 

Once a premium spot in the Greenock nightlife scene, The Norseman has faded under the stewardship of 'Max' to become a 'Cappielow and occasional darts night' establishment, which is completely dead and often now shut the rest of the week. Let's run through just some of the period features that you can find on your visit there:

 

- plaster panels that has been hanging off the walls unfixed for the best part of a decade

- a unique open-plan ceiling

- a library whose books have had the last pages ripped out for someone to wipe their snotters on

- heater fans that waft burning stour and Legionnaires disease across the pub when some arsehole turns them on

- a cauldron of 'soup' (one Happy Shopper cup a soup packet to two kettles worth of water) that is used to entice punters to go back to its hovel after the game

- the toilet featuring real life artworks such as a full sized shite sitting in a bucket of water

 

There is no doubt then that this is a bin pub, but is it a good bin pub?

 

Good

 

The period features above all fall under this section. The Norseman also offers decent prices - excellent for spirits, average for pints. Unless you count the diluted soup and the dodgy pies kept in a shitey wee warmer oven, The Norseman also doesn't do food never mind coffee. A bonus half K is given to the only recent innovation: a carryout fridge that has half bottles of Buckfast taking pride of place (El Dorado would have merited the full K). This keeps The Norseman's wine list on the acceptable side, although it has been seen to serve pinot grigio to some particularly foolish customers.

 

Bad

 

The Norseman is run with even more apathy and disinterest than the neighbouring football club and this shows in the quality stakes of a bin pub's offering. Having shown some live sports on TV it has since chucked it and gone back to council telly, while also keeping some of its tellies off during the only busy spells of its existence in a further effort to be a stingy bastard. Its only form of in house entertainment then is provided by a pool table which only gets in the way when everyone is in your pub at the exact same time and its two yard from the bar itself.

 

Verdict

 

1.5 Ks/3

 

A good bin pub should keep you in there twice as long as you had planned and happy with your choice. The Norseman is a needs must pit stop before all its punters head to a better drinking hole as soon as possible after the game and so fails that test.

Very unfair, they do cold pot noodles.

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  • 10 months later...
On 3/21/2020 at 7:11 PM, irnbru said:

I see Cheers was open today. Fights outside and The Sun holding a photoshoot inside.

 

Videos available in all good WhatsApp groups.

Cheers marking the anniversary by holding another lock in for their jakey clientele. 

https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/6850117/greenock-pub-covid-police-illegal/

 

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Speaking of jakeys, if anyone spots a bunch of Keystore bags with home delivery Thunderbird piling up on a doorstep in the Fife region then do NOT investigate further but send details on a postcard to the usual address:

K and K Kelbie

3 Big Mags' Way

The Raploch

FK8 1SX

I'll be double jagged and ready to go for Salou this summer. 

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On 4/26/2020 at 2:19 PM, K K Kelbie said:

Some shitey wee lockdown isn't going to keep your intrepid bin pub reviewer down. As current visits are out of the question it is the best possible time to review a pub that has hardly changed a jot since about 1987.

 

The KKK Bin Pub Review #27

 

 

3054625_6e8734cd.jpg

 

Once a premium spot in the Greenock nightlife scene, The Norseman has faded under the stewardship of  'Max' to become a 'Cappielow and occasional darts night' establishment, which is completely dead and often now shut the rest of the week. Let's run through just some of the period features that you can find on your visit there:

 

- plaster panels that has been hanging off the walls unfixed for the best part of a decade

- a unique open-plan ceiling

- a library whose books have had the last pages ripped out for someone to wipe their snotters on

- heater fans that waft burning stour and Legionnaires disease across the pub when some arsehole turns them on

- a cauldron of 'soup' (one Happy Shopper cup a soup packet to two kettles worth of water) that is used to entice punters to go back to its hovel after the game

- the toilet featuring real life artworks such as a full sized shite sitting in a bucket of water

 

There is no doubt then that this is a bin pub, but is it a good bin pub?

 

Good

 

The period features above all fall under this section. The Norseman also offers decent prices - excellent for spirits, average for pints. Unless you count the diluted soup and the dodgy pies kept in a shitey wee warmer oven, The Norseman also doesn't do food never mind coffee. A bonus half K is given to the only recent innovation: a carryout fridge that has half bottles of Buckfast taking pride of place (El Dorado would have merited the full K). This keeps The Norseman's wine list on the acceptable side, although it has been seen to serve pinot grigio to some particularly foolish customers.

 

Bad

 

The Norseman is run with even more apathy and disinterest than the neighbouring football club and this shows in the quality stakes of a bin pub's offering. Having shown some live sports on TV it has since chucked it and gone back to council telly, while also keeping some of its tellies off during the only busy spells of its existence in a further effort to be a stingy bastard. Its only form of in house entertainment then is provided by a pool table which only gets in the way when everyone is in your pub at the exact same time and its two yard from the bar itself.

 

Verdict

 

1.5 Ks/3

 

A good bin pub should keep you in there twice as long as you had planned and happy with your choice. The Norseman is a needs must pit stop before all its punters head to a better drinking hole as soon as possible after the game and so fails that test.

This.  Is it the same shite in the bin every matchday, or was it a different shite in the bin each time?

*insert signature here*

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  • 1 year later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Time to tick one of the higher profile candidates off the list.

The KKK Bin Pub Review #29 - The Lighthouse Bar

Nobody needs a photo of The Lighthouse: everybody knows where it is, and what it looks like. The Lighthouse loses a K automatically for having been freshly painted and updated in the past 5 years, thats just not what were looking for here. On the other hand it does earn half a K back for having the correct form of decoration as a 'Morton' pub. 

Good

The Lighthouse has a fair range of drink options, with pints including Tennents, Guinness, Strongbow, Best etc. available for under £3.50. Measures are also in the 'big boy' variety and service can be expected late into the evening on busy weekends. A spirit and can of mixer for £2.80 is not bad. 

Not so good

While The Lighthouse shows a wide range of live football, although this can be kicked off at times for daft fucking non sports like egg-chasing and Gaelic round egg chasing. 

Bad

The Lighthouse 'boasts' a selection of 25 different gins when no gins at all are needed. This gin bar nonsense creates gin bar clientele - screeching banshees, who have no place in a self-respecting bin pub. 

Verdict: 1K/3. The Lighthouse is a serviceable drinking hole in the middle of town, but lacks any real bin pub period features to challenge the front runners. 

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The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard
 

  • Chaplins 4Ks/3
  • The Hole in the Wa 3/3
  • The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3
  • The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3
  • Monteith's 2.5/3 (d.)
  • The Green Oak 2/3
  • The Station Bar 2/3
  • The Caledonian Bar 2/3
  • The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3
  • The Star 2/3
  • The Westburn 2/3
  • Donnachies 2/3
  • The Carnock 2/3
  • Cleats 1.5/3
  • The Norseman 1.5/3
  • The Lighthouse 1/3
  • The Willow 1/3 
  • The Horseshoe 1/3
  • The Kempock 1/3
  • The Black Cat 1/3
  • The Elbow Room 1/3
  • The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3
  • The Tail of the Bank 1/3
  • The Cardwell 0.5/3
  • The Cloch Bar 0.5/3
  • The James Watt 0.5/3
  • The Spinnaker 0.5/3
  • The Chartroom 0/3
  • The Old Bank 0/3 (d.)
  • The Darroch 0/3 (d.)
  • ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  • Lithgows -3/3 (d.)
  • Nicholsons Bar -3/3
  • Cafe Continental -3/3

An overdue update to the overall rankings. The big mover is The Willow which loses a full K for abandoning its bin pub period feature of needing a key from the bar to unlock the men's bog to do a shite. Easy come, easy go. It loses a further half K for charging four pound fucking sixty for a pint of Menabrea which sends it plunging into the middle of the pack faster than an Ayr United title challenge.   

Since review, The Horseshoe has gained a purpose as a holding pen for jakies/late night karaoke until 1 on a Saturday night which gets it an improved score. 

Not counting zombiefied pubs like whatever the Darroch is again - and we don't - there are now just three contenders to go. 

Edited by K K Kelbie
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

The KKK Bin Pub Review #30 - The Victoria Bowling Club

Bin pub purists might be wondering why a bowling club features in this guide. A bowling club is not a pub. In the case of the Victoria though, thats where you are wrong. 

The Victoria bowling club is open to all guests, does not bother with the formality of the sign-in book and has regular pub hours that would put others in this thread to shame. Following the blood-spattered demise of other east end watering holes like the Auchmountain Tavern, the Victoria serves as the only social function place between the Carnock and the Norseman. It also serves as a drinking hole for a matchday at Cappielow and so requires a discerning review of the facilities. 

Good 

The Vic bowling club has spent the last few years exploiting its outdoor space to produce one of the best sun trap beer gardens in Greater Greenock. 

IMG_20220709_133206 (1) (3).jpg

The view from the raised, bench laden terrace is spoiled by the ridiculous game taking place on the green in front of you, but remains an excellent place to sink a cold summer's beverage. Sadly K cider wasnt available for this photoshoot. 

Prices are reasonable at £3 for a pint of lager/cider and spirits are served in big boy measures. The inside space of the Vic has a large expanse of seats and tables, with huge TV screens for watching live games before and after the 3pm kick-off. A pool table is also available in a separate room - a small step forward although they really should be kept in at least a separate building or even town.

Bad

The only fly in the ointment is drink choice. The only two taps available are Tennents and Magners - cans and bottles are available in the fridge for John Smiths, Budweiser etc. This is reasonable but the Vic lacks a true bin pub special pint such as Tartan Special or McEwans to earn some bonus points.

The Vic also does not provide a fine wine list, with Buckfast, El Dorado and Sanatogen all nowhere to be seen on the premises. 

Verdict - 2.5Ks/3

The Vic bowling club serves an excellent purpose as a pre or post match watering hole near Cappielow. The beer garden is a commendable addition but more work needs to be done to get to the top of this Champions League level of competition for fine bin pubs. 

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On 7/21/2022 at 1:59 PM, K K Kelbie said:

The KKK Bin Pub Review #30 - The Victoria Bowling Club

Bin pub purists might be wondering why a bowling club features in this guide. A bowling club is not a pub. In the case of the Victoria though, thats where you are wrong. 

The Victoria bowling club is open to all guests, does not bother with the formality of the sign-in book and has regular pub hours that would put others in this thread to shame. Following the blood-spattered demise of other east end watering holes like the Auchmountain Tavern, the Victoria serves as the only social function place between the Carnock and the Norseman. It also serves as a drinking hole for a matchday at Cappielow and so requires a discerning review of the facilities. 

Good 

The Vic bowling club has spent the last few years exploiting its outdoor space to produce one of the best sun trap beer gardens in Greater Greenock. 

IMG_20220709_133206 (1) (3).jpg

The view from the raised, bench laden terrace is spoiled by the ridiculous game taking place on the green in front of you, but remains an excellent place to sink a cold summer's beverage. Sadly K cider wasnt available for this photoshoot. 

Prices are reasonable at £3 for a pint of lager/cider and spirits are served in big boy measures. The inside space of the Vic has a large expanse of seats and tables, with huge TV screens for watching live games before and after the 3pm kick-off. A pool table is also available in a separate room - a small step forward although they really should be kept in at least a separate building or even town.

Bad

The only fly in the ointment is drink choice. The only two taps available are Tennents and Magners - cans and bottles are available in the fridge for John Smiths, Budweiser etc. This is reasonable but the Vic lacks a true bin pub special pint such as Tartan Special or McEwans to earn some bonus points.

The Vic also does not provide a fine wine list, with Buckfast, El Dorado and Sanatogen all nowhere to be seen on the premises. 

Verdict - 2.5Ks/3

The Vic bowling club serves an excellent purpose as a pre or post match watering hole near Cappielow. The beer garden is a commendable addition but more work needs to be done to get to the top of this Champions League level of competition for fine bin pubs. 

A small tear came to my eye at the mention of The Auchmountain, which was my local and post-match hostelry in the late 70s and early 80s. A fine establishment, packed full of local characters, none more so than Fuddy who would 'acquire' and deliver for the princely sum of 1 pound 50p any LP within one week of receiving the request, no matter how obscure the artist or title. His after sales service wasn't great however, as any requests for refunds due to scratches rendering the LP unplayable were not-so-politely declined. Happy days.

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