Alan_Partridge_Ton Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 (edited) I was in Cheers last night for a few hours and to be fair, the atmosphere was first class! Edited March 22, 2020 by Alan_Partridge_Ton 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vikingTON Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 (edited) I just woke up and saw the videos there. Nothing surprises me with that place.  Well it would be surprising if it wasn't reeking of pish for a change.  Re: Chaplins, it's worth nothing that they've got a highly objectionable piece up on the wall in the form of a signed and framed Michael 'King Snake' Tidser jersey. That needs to be smashed like a plate at a Greek taverna and then ceremonially burned. Edited March 22, 2020 by vikingTON The site is supposed to be a place for the extended 'family' of Morton supporters - having an affinity with people that you don't know, because you share a love of your local football club. It's not supposed to be about point scoring and showing how 'clever' or 'funny' you are, or just being downright rude and offensive to people you don't know, because you can get away with it. Unfortunately, it seems the classic case of people who have little standing/presence in real life, use this forum as a way of making themselves feel as if they are something. It's sad, and I've said that before..  So, having been on Morton forums for about 15 years I guess, I've had enough... well done t*ssers, another Morton supporter driven away. You can all feel happy at how 'clever' you are Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted April 26, 2020 Author Share Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) Some shitey wee lockdown isn't going to keep your intrepid bin pub reviewer down. As current visits are out of the question it is the best possible time to review a pub that has hardly changed a jot since about 1987.  The KKK Bin Pub Review #27    Once a premium spot in the Greenock nightlife scene, The Norseman has faded under the stewardship of 'Max' to become a 'Cappielow and occasional darts night' establishment, which is completely dead and often now shut the rest of the week. Let's run through just some of the period features that you can find on your visit there:  - plaster panels that has been hanging off the walls unfixed for the best part of a decade - a unique open-plan ceiling - a library whose books have had the last pages ripped out for someone to wipe their snotters on - heater fans that waft burning stour and Legionnaires disease across the pub when some arsehole turns them on - a cauldron of 'soup' (one Happy Shopper cup a soup packet to two kettles worth of water) that is used to entice punters to go back to its hovel after the game - the toilet featuring real life artworks such as a full sized shite sitting in a bucket of water  There is no doubt then that this is a bin pub, but is it a good bin pub?  Good  The period features above all fall under this section. The Norseman also offers decent prices - excellent for spirits, average for pints. Unless you count the diluted soup and the dodgy pies kept in a shitey wee warmer oven, The Norseman also doesn't do food never mind coffee. A bonus half K is given to the only recent innovation: a carryout fridge that has half bottles of Buckfast taking pride of place (El Dorado would have merited the full K). This keeps The Norseman's wine list on the acceptable side, although it has been seen to serve pinot grigio to some particularly foolish customers.  Bad  The Norseman is run with even more apathy and disinterest than the neighbouring football club and this shows in the quality stakes of a bin pub's offering. Having shown some live sports on TV it has since chucked it and gone back to council telly, while also keeping some of its tellies off during the only busy spells of its existence in a further effort to be a stingy bastard. Its only form of in house entertainment then is provided by a pool table which only gets in the way when everyone is in your pub at the exact same time and its two yard from the bar itself.  Verdict  1.5 Ks/3  A good bin pub should keep you in there twice as long as you had planned and happy with your choice. The Norseman is a needs must pit stop before all its punters head to a better drinking hole as soon as possible after the game and so fails that test. Edited April 26, 2020 by K K Kelbie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted April 26, 2020 Author Share Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard Chaplins 4Ks/3  The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 The Willow 2.5/3 The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3  The Caledonian Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3  The Westburn 2/3Donnachies 2/3The Carnock 2/3  Cleats 1.5/3  The Norseman 1.5/3 The Kempock 1/3The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 The Cloch Bar 0.5/3The James Watt 0.5/3 The Horseshoe 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3The Chartroom 0/3The Old Bank 0/3 The Darroch 0/3  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lithgows -3/3Nicholsons Bar -3/3  Cafe Continental -3/3 Edited April 26, 2020 by K K Kelbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irnbru Posted April 26, 2020 Share Posted April 26, 2020 Some shitey wee lockdown isn't going to keep your intrepid bin pub reviewer down. As current visits are out of the question it is the best possible time to review a pub that has hardly changed a jot since about 1987.  The KKK Bin Pub Review #27    Once a premium spot in the Greenock nightlife scene, The Norseman has faded under the stewardship of 'Max' to become a 'Cappielow and occasional darts night' establishment, which is completely dead and often now shut the rest of the week. Let's run through just some of the period features that you can find on your visit there:  - plaster panels that has been hanging off the walls unfixed for the best part of a decade - a unique open-plan ceiling - a library whose books have had the last pages ripped out for someone to wipe their snotters on - heater fans that waft burning stour and Legionnaires disease across the pub when some arsehole turns them on - a cauldron of 'soup' (one Happy Shopper cup a soup packet to two kettles worth of water) that is used to entice punters to go back to its hovel after the game - the toilet featuring real life artworks such as a full sized shite sitting in a bucket of water  There is no doubt then that this is a bin pub, but is it a good bin pub?  Good  The period features above all fall under this section. The Norseman also offers decent prices - excellent for spirits, average for pints. Unless you count the diluted soup and the dodgy pies kept in a shitey wee warmer oven, The Norseman also doesn't do food never mind coffee. A bonus half K is given to the only recent innovation: a carryout fridge that has half bottles of Buckfast taking pride of place (El Dorado would have merited the full K). This keeps The Norseman's wine list on the acceptable side, although it has been seen to serve pinot grigio to some particularly foolish customers.  Bad  The Norseman is run with even more apathy and disinterest than the neighbouring football club and this shows in the quality stakes of a bin pub's offering. Having shown some live sports on TV it has since chucked it and gone back to council telly, while also keeping some of its tellies off during the only busy spells of its existence in a further effort to be a stingy bastard. Its only form of in house entertainment then is provided by a pool table which only gets in the way when everyone is in your pub at the exact same time and its two yard from the bar itself.  Verdict  1.5 Ks/3  A good bin pub should keep you in there twice as long as you had planned and happy with your choice. The Norseman is a needs must pit stop before all its punters head to a better drinking hole as soon as possible after the game and so fails that test. Very unfair, they do cold pot noodles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 On 3/21/2020 at 7:11 PM, irnbru said: I see Cheers was open today. Fights outside and The Sun holding a photoshoot inside.  Videos available in all good WhatsApp groups. Cheers marking the anniversary by holding another lock in for their jakey clientele. https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/6850117/greenock-pub-covid-police-illegal/  Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 Speaking of jakeys, if anyone spots a bunch of Keystore bags with home delivery Thunderbird piling up on a doorstep in the Fife region then do NOT investigate further but send details on a postcard to the usual address: K and K Kelbie 3 Big Mags' Way The Raploch FK8 1SX I'll be double jagged and ready to go for Salou this summer. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capitanus Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 On 4/26/2020 at 2:19 PM, K K Kelbie said: Some shitey wee lockdown isn't going to keep your intrepid bin pub reviewer down. As current visits are out of the question it is the best possible time to review a pub that has hardly changed a jot since about 1987.  The KKK Bin Pub Review #27    Once a premium spot in the Greenock nightlife scene, The Norseman has faded under the stewardship of 'Max' to become a 'Cappielow and occasional darts night' establishment, which is completely dead and often now shut the rest of the week. Let's run through just some of the period features that you can find on your visit there:  - plaster panels that has been hanging off the walls unfixed for the best part of a decade - a unique open-plan ceiling - a library whose books have had the last pages ripped out for someone to wipe their snotters on - heater fans that waft burning stour and Legionnaires disease across the pub when some arsehole turns them on - a cauldron of 'soup' (one Happy Shopper cup a soup packet to two kettles worth of water) that is used to entice punters to go back to its hovel after the game - the toilet featuring real life artworks such as a full sized shite sitting in a bucket of water  There is no doubt then that this is a bin pub, but is it a good bin pub?  Good  The period features above all fall under this section. The Norseman also offers decent prices - excellent for spirits, average for pints. Unless you count the diluted soup and the dodgy pies kept in a shitey wee warmer oven, The Norseman also doesn't do food never mind coffee. A bonus half K is given to the only recent innovation: a carryout fridge that has half bottles of Buckfast taking pride of place (El Dorado would have merited the full K). This keeps The Norseman's wine list on the acceptable side, although it has been seen to serve pinot grigio to some particularly foolish customers.  Bad  The Norseman is run with even more apathy and disinterest than the neighbouring football club and this shows in the quality stakes of a bin pub's offering. Having shown some live sports on TV it has since chucked it and gone back to council telly, while also keeping some of its tellies off during the only busy spells of its existence in a further effort to be a stingy bastard. Its only form of in house entertainment then is provided by a pool table which only gets in the way when everyone is in your pub at the exact same time and its two yard from the bar itself.  Verdict  1.5 Ks/3  A good bin pub should keep you in there twice as long as you had planned and happy with your choice. The Norseman is a needs must pit stop before all its punters head to a better drinking hole as soon as possible after the game and so fails that test. This. Is it the same shite in the bin every matchday, or was it a different shite in the bin each time? *insert signature here* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post K K Kelbie Posted May 27, 2022 Author Popular Post Share Posted May 27, 2022 The KKK Bin Pub Review #28 After two years of sanitised drivel that ruined the great bin pub industry of Scotland, its time to get back on the horse and finish the only reputable guide to Greenocks pub scene. We are down to the remaining handful of establishments, before the prestigious KK Kelbie krown is handed out to a worthy winner. And where better a place to pick up where we left off than with a famous contender. Serving the residents of Braeside ever since some daft cunt at the council had the idea to build a scheme to nowhere on the side of a hill, the Burns Lounge has evaded previous KKK reviews by refusing to open at a reasonable hour. No more. The interior plays up to its tribute to the longest lived man to come from Ayrshire, with the added luxury of a ceiling (see KKK Review #27 - The Norseman).  Good - The Burns Lounge has a fine selection of spirits. A big boy measure of your finest OVD cooking rum will set you back £1.90. Not outstanding in its category but a bit cheaper than city centre prices. - The Burns offers a carryout service for anyone unfortunate enough to be trapped in Braeside after dark - though its a bring your own shotgun policy.  - The toilets provide some worthwhile period features. The cubicle has a bucket to contain the water that has clearly caved the hole in the ceiling above, but that bucket has since been used like those bogging shite paper buckets that you get in Third World countries like Greece.  Sadly the Burns' lounge did not get a bonus point for having a shite festering in the bucket, as has been the case with The Norseman. Bad - The selection of pints on offer is basic even by bin pub standards - Tennents, Strongbow and John Smiths. This would not cost the Burns Lounge if the prices matched the offering. Instead, they are charging £3.40 a pint, in fucking Braeside. - Ambience: As likely explained by the pricing policy for pints, the place is as dead as Rangers on a weekend afternoon. A selection of STV banger programmes are all that are put on offer, with no pool table or any other way of distracting you from the Burns' Lounge experience. - Despite being the classic bin pub located in the middle of nowhere, the Burns Lounge did not have the correct range of tonic wines on visible display. Verdict - 1 K/3 A disappointing performance from a front runner on paper. Despite boasting the ideal location for bin pub greatness, The Burns Lounge fails to deliver on most fronts. It is an acceptable place to get in and out for a quick one, but otherwise does nothing to recommend itself. Failing to get the Burns Lounge right is why Ciano Rebecchis party lost all their seats in the council election.  5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted June 13, 2022 Author Share Posted June 13, 2022 Time to tick one of the higher profile candidates off the list. The KKK Bin Pub Review #29 - The Lighthouse Bar Nobody needs a photo of The Lighthouse: everybody knows where it is, and what it looks like. The Lighthouse loses a K automatically for having been freshly painted and updated in the past 5 years, thats just not what were looking for here. On the other hand it does earn half a K back for having the correct form of decoration as a 'Morton' pub. Good The Lighthouse has a fair range of drink options, with pints including Tennents, Guinness, Strongbow, Best etc. available for under £3.50. Measures are also in the 'big boy' variety and service can be expected late into the evening on busy weekends. A spirit and can of mixer for £2.80 is not bad. Not so good While The Lighthouse shows a wide range of live football, although this can be kicked off at times for daft fucking non sports like egg-chasing and Gaelic round egg chasing. Bad The Lighthouse 'boasts' a selection of 25 different gins when no gins at all are needed. This gin bar nonsense creates gin bar clientele - screeching banshees, who have no place in a self-respecting bin pub. Verdict: 1K/3. The Lighthouse is a serviceable drinking hole in the middle of town, but lacks any real bin pub period features to challenge the front runners. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted June 13, 2022 Author Share Posted June 13, 2022 (edited) The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard  Chaplins 4Ks/3 The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 (d.) The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Caledonian Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 The Westburn 2/3 Donnachies 2/3 The Carnock 2/3 Cleats 1.5/3 The Norseman 1.5/3 The Lighthouse 1/3 The Willow 1/3 The Horseshoe 1/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3 The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The James Watt 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Chartroom 0/3 The Old Bank 0/3 (d.) The Darroch 0/3 (d.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lithgows -3/3 (d.) Nicholsons Bar -3/3 Cafe Continental -3/3 An overdue update to the overall rankings. The big mover is The Willow which loses a full K for abandoning its bin pub period feature of needing a key from the bar to unlock the men's bog to do a shite. Easy come, easy go. It loses a further half K for charging four pound fucking sixty for a pint of Menabrea which sends it plunging into the middle of the pack faster than an Ayr United title challenge.   Since review, The Horseshoe has gained a purpose as a holding pen for jakies/late night karaoke until 1 on a Saturday night which gets it an improved score. Not counting zombiefied pubs like whatever the Darroch is again - and we don't - there are now just three contenders to go. Edited June 13, 2022 by K K Kelbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RealTonKid Posted June 14, 2022 Share Posted June 14, 2022 So that's what the Burns Lounge looks like inside. I can't mind the last time I was in The Willow, although I doubt punters will be beating down the door to pay £4.60 for a pint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RealTonKid Posted June 26, 2022 Share Posted June 26, 2022 At the risk of outing myself as a "Peroni wanker", the old Old Bank Bar is charging a fiver a pint. Needless to say I sought refuge in the nearest Tennent's watering hole, while licking my wounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K K Kelbie Posted July 21, 2022 Author Share Posted July 21, 2022 The KKK Bin Pub Review #30 - The Victoria Bowling Club Bin pub purists might be wondering why a bowling club features in this guide. A bowling club is not a pub. In the case of the Victoria though, thats where you are wrong. The Victoria bowling club is open to all guests, does not bother with the formality of the sign-in book and has regular pub hours that would put others in this thread to shame. Following the blood-spattered demise of other east end watering holes like the Auchmountain Tavern, the Victoria serves as the only social function place between the Carnock and the Norseman. It also serves as a drinking hole for a matchday at Cappielow and so requires a discerning review of the facilities. Good The Vic bowling club has spent the last few years exploiting its outdoor space to produce one of the best sun trap beer gardens in Greater Greenock. The view from the raised, bench laden terrace is spoiled by the ridiculous game taking place on the green in front of you, but remains an excellent place to sink a cold summer's beverage. Sadly K cider wasnt available for this photoshoot. Prices are reasonable at £3 for a pint of lager/cider and spirits are served in big boy measures. The inside space of the Vic has a large expanse of seats and tables, with huge TV screens for watching live games before and after the 3pm kick-off. A pool table is also available in a separate room - a small step forward although they really should be kept in at least a separate building or even town. Bad The only fly in the ointment is drink choice. The only two taps available are Tennents and Magners - cans and bottles are available in the fridge for John Smiths, Budweiser etc. This is reasonable but the Vic lacks a true bin pub special pint such as Tartan Special or McEwans to earn some bonus points. The Vic also does not provide a fine wine list, with Buckfast, El Dorado and Sanatogen all nowhere to be seen on the premises. Verdict - 2.5Ks/3 The Vic bowling club serves an excellent purpose as a pre or post match watering hole near Cappielow. The beer garden is a commendable addition but more work needs to be done to get to the top of this Champions League level of competition for fine bin pubs. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post K K Kelbie Posted July 21, 2022 Author Popular Post Share Posted July 21, 2022 (edited) With two contenders to go here are the updated standings: Chaplins 4Ks/3 The Hole in the Wa 3/3 The Carnock 3/3 The Victoria Bowling Club 2.5/3 The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3 The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3 Monteith's 2.5/3 (d.) The Green Oak 2/3 The Station Bar 2/3 The Caledonian Bar 2/3 The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3 The Star 2/3 The Westburn 2/3 Donnachies 2/3 Cleats 1.5/3 The Norseman 1.5/3 The Lighthouse 1/3 The Willow 1/3 The Horseshoe 1/3 The Kempock 1/3 The Black Cat 1/3 The Elbow Room 1/3 The Gourock Yacht Club 1/3 The Tail of the Bank 1/3 The Burns Lounge 1/3 The Cardwell 0.5/3 The Cloch Bar 0.5/3 The James Watt 0.5/3 The Spinnaker 0.5/3 The Chartroom 0/3 The Old Bank 0/3 (d.) The Darroch 0/3 (d.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lithgows -3/3 (d.) Cafe Continental -3/3 Nicholsons -7000 The Carnock earns a valuable bonus K for now featuring both El Dorado and Buckfast on hand poured measures. As for Nicholsons, it has been punished for this shameful policy: Scum. Subhuman scum. Edited July 22, 2022 by K K Kelbie 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cet Homme Charmant Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 On 7/21/2022 at 1:59 PM, K K Kelbie said: The KKK Bin Pub Review #30 - The Victoria Bowling Club Bin pub purists might be wondering why a bowling club features in this guide. A bowling club is not a pub. In the case of the Victoria though, thats where you are wrong. The Victoria bowling club is open to all guests, does not bother with the formality of the sign-in book and has regular pub hours that would put others in this thread to shame. Following the blood-spattered demise of other east end watering holes like the Auchmountain Tavern, the Victoria serves as the only social function place between the Carnock and the Norseman. It also serves as a drinking hole for a matchday at Cappielow and so requires a discerning review of the facilities. Good The Vic bowling club has spent the last few years exploiting its outdoor space to produce one of the best sun trap beer gardens in Greater Greenock. The view from the raised, bench laden terrace is spoiled by the ridiculous game taking place on the green in front of you, but remains an excellent place to sink a cold summer's beverage. Sadly K cider wasnt available for this photoshoot. Prices are reasonable at £3 for a pint of lager/cider and spirits are served in big boy measures. The inside space of the Vic has a large expanse of seats and tables, with huge TV screens for watching live games before and after the 3pm kick-off. A pool table is also available in a separate room - a small step forward although they really should be kept in at least a separate building or even town. Bad The only fly in the ointment is drink choice. The only two taps available are Tennents and Magners - cans and bottles are available in the fridge for John Smiths, Budweiser etc. This is reasonable but the Vic lacks a true bin pub special pint such as Tartan Special or McEwans to earn some bonus points. The Vic also does not provide a fine wine list, with Buckfast, El Dorado and Sanatogen all nowhere to be seen on the premises. Verdict - 2.5Ks/3 The Vic bowling club serves an excellent purpose as a pre or post match watering hole near Cappielow. The beer garden is a commendable addition but more work needs to be done to get to the top of this Champions League level of competition for fine bin pubs. A small tear came to my eye at the mention of The Auchmountain, which was my local and post-match hostelry in the late 70s and early 80s. A fine establishment, packed full of local characters, none more so than Fuddy who would 'acquire' and deliver for the princely sum of 1 pound 50p any LP within one week of receiving the request, no matter how obscure the artist or title. His after sales service wasn't great however, as any requests for refunds due to scratches rendering the LP unplayable were not-so-politely declined. Happy days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RealTonKid Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 Nicolson’s can fuck off. Last time I was in there, the toilets were like a coke den and the place was full of jumped-up fannies. Nice beer garden though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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