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The KKK Bin Pub Review Thread


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#321 K K Kelbie

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Posted 19 September 2019 - 06:14 PM

The KKK Bin Pub Review #20

 

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This time it's a trip to what claims to be Greenock's oldest pub. But is it Greenock's oldest bin pub?

 

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Good

 

The Black Cat ticks all the boxes for a standard pin pub. Live sports on TV, no food menu and the big boy measures start at £1.70, making this one of the cheapest pubs in the area. Period features include a proper horseshoe bar in the centre of the pub and an air conditioner that hasnt been used since Celtic won the cup in 1988. 

 

Bad

 

There's no escaping the elephant in the room here - the clientele alone merits a major mark down in this reviewer's book. Apparently the owners have recently tried to row back from the Black Cat's reputation as a den for Irish republican sympathising and have even banned the party songs once the other karaoke gets going. But the place is still the largest Celtic bin in the town by number of clientele. There's also not even a proper wine list or other top bin features that could possibly make up for this failing. 

 

Verdict

 

1K/3 

 

The Black Cat is without question a bin pub but is also a hive of villainy that the KKK Review cant possibly recommend to its readers. Even if you ignored the plastic paddy shite it is still just a middling bin pub when finer options are available a short stagger away. As a holding bin for mhutants though, it keeps other bin pubs of Greater Greenock clear for the rest of us. 


Edited by K K Kelbie, 19 September 2019 - 06:14 PM.

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#322 K K Kelbie

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Posted 29 October 2019 - 04:36 PM

The KKK Bin Pub Review #21

 

Its been brought to my attention that the failing Greenock Telegraph has stolen the premise of the KKK Bin Pub Review in order to keep the weirdo letter writers from taking up half of the rag:

 

https://www.greenock...tOuDCeeGwSG3gPE

 

Your legal team can send the royalties cheques to the following address:

 

K and K Kelbie

3 Big Mags' Way

The Raploch

FK8 1SX

 

But why believe the craven, arse licking verdict of The Secret Diner - just some work experience skivvy hiding behind an alias - when you can get the hard hitting truth here instead? 

 

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Let's start with the bad, shall we?

 

Bad

 

Prior to several piss poor attempts to tart the place up, the Argyll and Sutherland used to be a run of the mill bin pub, home to one of the best sun trap beer gardens in the area. Its now described by the failed journalist at the Tele as a

 

trendy family-run pub-diner

 

 

and 

 

an upmarket but cosy gastro-pub

 

 

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None of these words belong anywhere near a self respecting establishment. This is Greenock, not some fucking hamlet in the Cotswolds.

 

Then we have the misfortune to step inside.

 

Nicholsons-Bar-and-Kitchen-Internal.jpg?

 

The absolute state of this.

 

Gone are televisions in the bar so you can keep track of live football, your coupon or the nag that some jakey old timer put the last of his pension on. In comes a stupid fucking coffee machine that rattles and wails like a Victorian steam train. The horseshoe bar of the old pub has been ripped out to add more tables and seats: in fact its all table and seats and you cant actually just stand around with a pint like in an actual pub. And to get a drink, you either need to be seated and wait forever for some staff member to 'take your order', or head through to the stupid, open plan function type area at the back where there's of course a gaggle of shrieking year old women celebrating Senga's big 6-0 birthday. Food is not only served but encouraged.

 

Good

 

There is nothing good about this place on the Bin Pub criteria. The pricing is passable for the town centre and while spirits are hand poured, we aren't talking about Cardwell measures. The beer garden remains but is unfortunately still attached to this useless wannabe bistro. Sneak in round the back with a bottle of K cider instead. 

 

Verdict

 

-3Ks/3

 

This is the worst crime that the KKK Review can think of - a perfectly viable bin pub being murdered by yet another man with a plan to gentrify the fuck out of them. So don't listen to what mummy from the Greenock Telegraph says, just do what yer da' K K Kelbie tells you to do and body swerve this useless establishment. 


Edited by K K Kelbie, 29 October 2019 - 04:37 PM.

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#323 K K Kelbie

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Posted 29 October 2019 - 04:44 PM

Meanwhile there's a dramatic change at the top of the bin pub leaderboard, as The Carnock has yet again shut and so must be punished with a deduction of 2Ks. A bin pub that cant be relied on to be open at opening time is not deserving of a place at the top of the leaderboard. Get it sorted and opened again and we'll be around for the re-re-review of Greenock's pop-up bin pub. 

 

News also reaches The Raploch that the dirty wee Port is going to have a new super happy fun pub in the near future, so at this rate the Bin Pub Review will be a neverending mission. 

 

The KKK Bin Pub Leaderboard
 
The Hole in the Wa 3/3
 
The Broomhill Tavern 2.5/3

 

The Sutherland Bar 2.5/3
 
Monteith's 2.5/3
 
The Willow 2.5/3
 
The Green Oak 2/3
 
The Station Bar 2/3
 
The Old Wherry Tavern 2/3
 
The Star 2/3 (visitors' lounge) -3/3 (bhar)

 

Donnachies 2/3

 

The Carnock 2/3 
 
The Kempock 1/3

 

The Black Cat 1/3
 
The Elbow Room 1/3
 
The Cardwell 0.5/3 - punished for serving lentils to fussy bellends
 
The Cloch Bar 0.5/3
 
The Horseshoe 0.5/3
 
The Spinnaker 0.5/3
 
The Darroch 0/3 - punished £10k for failure

 

Nicholsons Bar -3/3
 
--------------------------------
 
The Thistle (disqualified for morphing into a plastic paddy pub) 
 
The Burns Lounge (disqualified for being ****ing useless)


Edited by K K Kelbie, 29 October 2019 - 04:45 PM.

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#324 EanieMeany

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Posted 29 October 2019 - 05:56 PM

A very fair assessment of Nicolson's.

Also, I'm told them Star Hotel has been the unfortunate victim of a minor refurb. Troubled times for the pub scene when even the Star can't be relied upon to be a hovel.
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AWMSC


#325 BishopLenBrennan

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Posted 30 October 2019 - 12:55 AM

Word has reached His Grace that Buckfast is now available in The Norseman. Can KKKelbie verify this speculation?
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You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks! 


#326 K K Kelbie

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Posted 07 November 2019 - 05:44 PM

The KKK Bin Pub Review #22

 

There's been quite a lot of gurning about this pub as being the best bin pub in the fine bin pub hub known as Greenock, so it is high time that it got the KKK treatment. 

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Good

 

Estate agents claim that the value of their property is all about location, location, location and The Westburn vouches for that in the bin pub market as well. Specifically, this bin pub serves as a creche for men while their women folk traipse around Iceland or the handful of shops still left in the Oak Mall getting the messages in. £6 an hour is a decent rate for adult care with their dietary needs taken care of as well, so this bin provides a valuable public service. Big boy measures are suitably provided at cheap rates (£1.70 for Black Bottle) with the old tramp favourite Tartan Special on tap. Burberry check wallpaper and a 'smoking area' that just opens into the tiny arse end of the old close completes the truly sophisticated look of this bin.

 

Bad

 

It seems that even The Westburn has now got ideas well above its station. In addition to the jakey juice it also serves Heverlee and Drygate beers on tap - which should be found in a Bearsden bistro-pub instead. There's also a wine list without any tonic choices as well as a fully stacked gin bar section. None of this is becoming of a bin pub. There's also no live sports covered on TV so the atmosphere is made up of the consistently shite patter of the regulars and whatever God awful Magic FM nonsense that they're blaring through their council telly.

 

Verdict

 

2Ks/3

 

The Westburn is undeniably a bin pub and one with a regular stream of clientele to keep it going well into the future. However much like its counterpart in West Greenock The Old Wherry Tavern, it has tried to move away from its true bin pub roots and so falls beneath the high standards set by other and better bins. And so this argument can now be put to rest once and for all. 


Edited by K K Kelbie, 07 November 2019 - 05:46 PM.

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#327 GiGi

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Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:05 PM

The Westburn does show fitba during the week (sometimes) and the Drygate tap is for show. They don't actually have any.
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Peter Weatherson is the greatest player since Ritchie, and should be assigned 'chairman for life' 


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#328 capitanus

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Posted 07 November 2019 - 09:38 PM

The Westburn does show fitba during the week (sometimes) and the Drygate tap is for show. They don't actually have any.


Spoken like a true Westburn regular.
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We'll come back one day, we never really went away.

#329 TONofmemories

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Posted 08 November 2019 - 04:36 AM

The Westburn does show fitba during the week (sometimes) and the Drygate tap is for show. They don't actually have any.

 

Shitebags IMO. 


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TIME FOR CHANGE!



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